'Roo, Jeans Arrested; Rabbit Runnin'

In a bizarre synchronicity -- perhaps in parallel with the anniversary of another tragedy, John Lennon's assassination -- A.P. reported that Captain M. Kangaroo and Mister Green-Jeans were arrested this morning in Hollywood for assault, attempted rape, corrupting the morals of an inanimate object, and attempted murder.

The victim (shown above, under ritual attack), Mr. Dance Ng Bear, of Malibu, California, was treated and released from Central Hospital with "minor injuries," including two half-eaten bearclaws and a swollen nose.

Ray Dio, hospital spokesperson, issued a press release declaring immediate War on Cake.

Dio added that injuries were "always minor" when they happen to someone else.

"Quote me on that," he said.

Bear, in seclusion, released a statement through the locol law firm of Bato, Bato, and Bespayup.

"It was some sick ritual they were into," said Bear. "We hid it for years. They kicked the stuffing out of me."

Green-Jeans is lodged at the San Berdoo Zoo.

Police report his only comment as, "It's all in the Hat."

Kangaroo, deceased since 2004, was being held in Protective Custody at an Undisclosed Location.













An associate, Grandfather Clock, said, "Those days are gone, hippie. Deal. I don't have time for the drama."

A glowering Clock, obviously ticked off, waved away further comment.

Finally -- and most hurtfully for this reporter -- both Kangaroo and Green-Jeans, in sworn statements, fixed responsibility for the attempted hit on the occult society's Mastermind, Bun E. Rabbit, and on a deeper, even more sinister figure, a Shadow whose name cannot even be mentioned (but there are antler-tracks everywhere.)

Did we mention the name can't be mentioned?

Ok, well . . . one hint, then . . . rhymes with Sister Foos.

Rabbit, currently a fugitive, is armed with turnips and carrots, and should be considered.