Da Black Whole

Monday, December 19, 2005

Dark Mutterings Against Mr. Horn I Blew

little dynamo was much gruntled in Christmas Spirit until learning today of the sinister plot against our own Beloved Santa by assorted Scumbags and Stealers trying to besmirch his name, "damage Santa morale,"and indeed take Kringle down.

For godsake: chimney-climbing, icy roofs, lugging presents . . . not a Picnic folks . . . then here come the Cheets and Sneeks and Theefs with their "fell in a Santa-like style" nepotic gibberish, their anti-Santi orwellian triplespeak, all a smokescreen to STEAL from SANTA CLAUS! -- an elaborate, cunning -- and unfortunately successful -- plot to "keep him from winning again."

So . . . after his many years of service, after all he's given us, we've left the poor, discarded, unkinged man to lash out feebly in his own defense.

Last night Mrs. Claus and all the Elves moved to an Eskimo hut. How does that make you feel. Hmm?

Santa just wanders around the workshop, shaking his head and smoking Chesterfields. Even the reindeer won't talk to him anymore. They snicker amongst themselves, call him "Ron." "Hey Ron!" they go, real soft, and when Santa turns to respond, they crop bushes, go mute, act like he's crazy.

Well oh, 'tis a wintry world: by hamstring the hindlings fall!

Poor Santa. Gone on the dole!

Santa Wars as deposed British world champ fumes

Sun Dec 18,10:22 AM ET

LONDON (AFP) - The British Father Christmas who lost his Santa of the Year world crown has lashed out, citing a suspected campaign to stop him from winning again that has damaged "Santa morale".

Ron Horniblew, 70, has been authorised by the Master Santa in Greenland and is part of the elite international Santa circuit who compete at the Santa Winter Games, where up to 50 Father Christmases compete for the world title.

Estonian accordionist Aare Rebban grabbed the crown "amid dark mutterings of political voting, professional jealousy and backbiting", The Mail on Sunday newspaper said.

At the Games in Gallivare in Swedish Lapland, Santas sled, race reindeer-drawn sleighs, eat porridge -- with a splash on the beard earning instant disqualification -- climb chimneys and deliver presents under the watchful gaze of a panel of judges.

Horniblew said it all came down to the reindeer sled race.

"You go up two at a time, head-to-head," he told The Mail on Sunday.
"I was up against the Estonian and I won the race. He actually fell off his sleigh. But he got awarded extra points for falling in a particularly Santa-like style.

"I was pretty miffed at that, I can tell you."

Horniblew revelled in his world title win the previous year but revealed just how tough it is at the top.

"We are all very serious. It's not a fun thing. These guys are all Santa Claus in their own right in their own countries," he said.

Indeed, Horniblew is deadly serious about Santa. Uniformed Santas must not smoke, drink alcohol, or swear.

To be accepted, a potential Father Christmas has to pass the official Santa Test by proving one's charity work or grotto experience.
"I've had it written into my wedding vows that I'll be out being Santa on Christmas Day," Horniblew said.

"When I die, I want my suit, with my authorised badge and Winter Games medals, to be draped over my coffin and my Santa boots sat on top."


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